I saw my little brother yesterday. I wish I could say I stopped by his apartment or ran into him at the Piggly Wiggly, but the truth is I drove to a state mental institution to see him. He has had an extremely hard time dealing with Shanna's death, we all have, but in the midst of his hard time he decided to take over fifty xanax in addition to some other medication. He says he wasn't trying to kill himself, that he just wanted to go to sleep and forget everything.
You say potato, I say suicide attempt.
Really it doesn't matter if he was deliberately trying to hurt himself or not, the end result was the same. He needed help and now he is getting it. I am just praying that he will have an open mind and will listen to what the doctors and therapists are saying. More importantly, I am praying that he will reconnect with God. I certainly couldn't' have made it through Shanna's death without His help.
Growing up is hard. I know I am already the ripe old age of 34, but it doesn't seem like all that long ago that I was living at home with Chad and Shanna. We had our whole lives ahead of us and I wouldn't have dreamed in a million years that things would turn out the way they have.
Chad is three years younger than I am. He is handsome, charming and very, very smart. I am no dummy, but compared to him I am the village idiot. I think it's his high IQ that makes it hard for him to deal with things like death. He just can't make that mind of his slow down long enough to allow him to sleep. That led to him taking more and more pills. He just wanted some peace. Unfortunately, he went about it in the wrong way. He thinks we are all judging him and blaming him, but we aren't. At least, I'm not and my parents aren't (I haven't talked to anyone else, but I feel certain they aren't judging him either). We just all want him to get better.
The first thing that struck me as I drove into the mental health complex was how BIG it is. I drove past building after building after building. Chad told me there were 100 people on the floor he was on. Each building is several floors tall. That's thousands of people that must be there...all of them hurting and crying out for help. It is truly heartbreaking.
I think it's a faction of the world that is ignored and abandoned for the most part. When someone is in the hospital with a broken leg or heart surgery we go by and visit, send flowers, and make phone calls to try to cheer them up. When someone goes to a mental hospital what do we do? I am guessing pretty much nothing. I was the only visitor there for over a hundred patients. That's kinda sad. People who are hurting emotionally/mentally really need us even more than someone who has a physical health problem.
I know this sounds preachy (and I am preaching to myself here), but love is a powerful, powerful thing. I would dare to say that knowing you are loved and supported will help people suffering emotionally more than anything else. I say I was preaching to myself because I didn't really want to go to visit Chad the first time I went (I've been three times now). I mean, I wanted to see him, but I was apprehensive about going to a mental hospital. The media has portrayed it as a scary place where people are mistreated, but it wasn't like that at all. All the employees I met were very nice and Chad says they've treated him very well.
I even met a few other patients. There was this one girl named Ashley that kept shuffling closer and closer to me all the while saying in a sing songy little voice, "Oh you're so pretty. You're soooo pretty. Ohhh pretty, pretty, pretty."
Clearly she doesn't belong in a mental institution. In fact she seemed very perceptive to me. : )
Of course the fact that she was trying to touch my face while she told me how pretty I am was a little but unsettling, but it was really good for my ego.
I am thinking about visiting her every week.
Okay, all joking aside, I hope you'll join me in praying not only for my little brother, but for all the people suffering from depression, anxiety and mental illness. I can't begin to imagine how much they are suffering and know that many of them feel like that must do their suffering silently to avoid being judged.
My new goal? To be less judging and more loving.
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3 comments:
Well I have been worried about your entire family, not just Chad. Yes we all felt the pain in Shanna's passing, I know I don't always make sense when I comment, but I am hoping this time I will.
Your family, I think was very fortunate, I do NOT mean by the pain you have been through. I am talking about the opposite. Shanna's life was filled with hundreds of trips to the hospital, when that happens, you share moments, share fears, and share your love for one another. Do I think Shanna deserved to have that awful and painful disease? Absolutely not. I think she lived with it more gracefully then any of the rest of us would have. She does however deserve to be free from the pain and the suffering. I am so thankful she isn't hurting anymore. I feel some guilt in saying that because when I say I am happy she is in Heaven, that I am also saying I feel like Tre-Bob and John, and your family, your parents, Chad, or the rest of us, should have to be with out her. I did love her greatly, as I do your entire family. Missing her isn't something I will stop doing anytime soon.
I know how intelligent Chad is, and I also know how he must be hurting. I hate he felt that taking pills was the answer, but I am glad he failed at his attempt to go to sleep for awhile or forever. I hope he is able to get the help he needs. I was only informed of this earlier today, I was shocked. My response was, I hope he is getting the help he needs and I was glad he was somewhere getting help for your parent's sake.
I know when this is over, he will come home a changed person for the good. As far reaching out to him, just get me the address and let me know the rules. If he can only receive letters then I will send letters, if he can receive goodies or whatever I will do it. If a visit from me would help I will go. We are family, and I really hope you guys don't think you have to do any of this alone.
Even in the midst of heartache, your light shines through....thank you for the laughs.
I'll keep your family (and others) in my prayers.
P.S. Your intro to this post is beautiful.
This is the first time I've read your blog. I also lost a sister 23-yrs ago when she was only 24. She suffered with cancer that was very grueling for her and us as a family. After her death everyone in my family dealt with the situation in different ways. Some turned to alcohol, others seclusion, and me personally @ 14 yrs-old became a control person. Always in check with my emotions and actions. I never showed anyone any weaknesses. Not until recently have I come to grips with those emotions some 23 years later. I don't think the pain ever really goes away, you just learn to live with it and try to turn it into one of your strenths.
"the ability to find joy in the world of sorrow and hope at the edge of despair is a woman's witness to courage and her gift of new life to all." Miriam Theresa Winter
I will say a prayer for you and your family
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