n = embarrassment squared

As I was sitting there trying to help Lauren with her math (I say trying because Math is not my forte) I had a Math flashback...

It was my senior year in College and the only class all the way through four years of higher learning that gave me the least bit of trouble was college Algebra...and boy howdy did it ever give me trouble! In fact it was so difficult for me that I had to hire a tutor. The sad thing is that this tutor was a Sophomore in high school.

Yeah, I know...when it comes to math I am a few fries short of a happy meal.

And Happy Meals were exactly what I was afraid I'd be serving for a living if I didn't get help. That's what drove me to ask a mere 15 year old to help me with my course. His name was Lanny and his mom was my partner teacher that year. Lanny was tall, lanky, pimply and very shy. Looking back I feel sorry for the boy for having to spend so many afternoons explaining over and over again why N could equal Q and P could equal coocklydoodlydoo (as you can see the finer points of what Lanny taught me have stuck with me lo these many years).

This particular math flashback (what? Don't try and pretend that you don't have mathematical flashbacks) (it's not like I am weird or something) took place on a Saturday afternoon at my house. Lauren was about three and Dave must have been at a track meet or something because he wasn't home. We were over two hours into the studying (on a lesson that I am sure should have taken about ten minutes, but like I told you people, I am missing fries!) when Lauren walked into the room.

She was the cutest little tyke back then...all chubby cheeks and curly hair...and as always she was being perfect and wonderful...we barely knew she was around. That is why I didn't pay much attention when she walked up behind us at the table. I knew she was dragging something behind her, but I didn't bother to turn around and see what it was. After a few moments of being ignored she finally spoke up and said in her adorable toddler voice, "Mommy I haff somfin that you need."

Since I was in the middle of wrestling a big bear in the form of a math problem I didn't even look back at her. I just held out my hand and as soon as she placed something in my palm I said, "thank you baby." And then I placed the something on the table.

And then I looked at the something.

And then I almost died of embarrassment right there on the spot.

The 'something' she had been dragging around was a whole bunch of condoms still together in a row. And there they were on my table between me and a 15 year old kid!

I jumped up and grabbed those suckers and flew to my bedroom at warp speed to put them away. Then I came out and stammered a few dozen apologies to Lanny, who was suddenly beet red and wouldn't look me in the eye anymore.

I did go on to pass that math class and Lanny never even mentioned the incident to his mom (although I did). I suppose he was probably too embarrassed.

Now it's ten years later and the tables have turned. Suddenly I am the embarrassing one and Lauren is the one that has to worry about what I will do and say around her friends.

I must say, I am liking this much better than Algebra. Now if we only still used condoms I could REALLY embarrass her!