Monday, July 21, 2008
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Excuses
Wow. Long time no see! I'm truly sorry that I've neglected my blog (and you guys) for so long. When I sat down to write this I was going to blame my negligence on the fact that I was gone for week to the Dallas area to have some testing done on Lauren and then gone another week to help out at Camp Hackberry. I can't really say that though. If I am honest with you (and myself) I'd admit that being gone was an excuse for not writing, not the reason.
I am no therapist, but I think the reason I haven't been writing is because I've just been too sad. It's not like I'm sitting around crying and being miserable. No, it's not that at all. I've had a lot of fun moments this summer that I wanted to share with you...really I did, but when I'd sit down to write about them it was such an effort t0 be cheerful and happy sounding. I want this blog to be fun and happy, not sad and depressing. The weird thing is that I have absolutely nothing new to be sad about. Just the same two things as before.
Of course one is Shanna. It's been 170 days since she died. I should be better, but I'm not. Actually I am worse than I was right after she died. Why? I don't know!! I think maybe right after she died I just didn't let myself think about her and how much I missed her. I thought about sweet Tre and how worried I was about him. I thought about my mom and dad and how much I worried about them. I thought about John and Shanna's friends and my girls (who still dream about her many nights) and everything else I could think of BUT her. I wouldn't let myself listen to the songs from her funeral or look at her pictures or go to the cemetery. I just didn't want to deal with all that pain. It really hurts so why would I??
I don't know what changed, but now I can't stop thinking about her. Now I am the one dreaming about her and I never used to remember my dreams. Everything reminds me of her and sometimes I even think I see her. Once I slammed on my brakes because I thought I saw her in my rear view mirror and was about to back into her (I can't believe I just admitted that...I didn't even tell my family). Weird stuff like that. So my non-therapist mind has decided that I went too long without dealing with things and now, being the pain she always was, she's just decided to force me to think about her until I do deal with things. She always was stubborn. No really, probably something about all the down time in the summer makes it harder for me to hide from my thoughts and feelings.
The other issue, as you already know, is Lauren. I had such high hopes for getting her better this summer. Such high, high hopes! I have failed miserably at that. If anything she is worse. She is on a 1200 calorie diet (have you ever tried to starve a 13 year old? It ain't fun!) and is still gaining weight. Granted we took a break from that at camp, but still her original purple stretch marks (hallmark symptom of Cushing's Disease) are multiplying at a frightening rate. I fear at any moment she'll turn into a purple version of an Umpaloompa!
We are still testing and I know eventually we'll get to a point to where she can have surgery, but it's obviously not going to be this summer. I am so sad about that and mostly I am sad because she is. She doesn't feel good and she doesn't like how she looks. She can't fit into any clothes that I buy her. She is just too big around (also classic symptom of Cushings). Her face looks all swollen and she is just flat out depressed about it. I can't remember the last time she was with a friend. It was way, way before school was out. I don't really think she has a friend. Nobody calls or texts or contacts her and it hurts her feelings. She just thinks nobody wants to be with a fat, sick person. I try to point out that she doesn't contact them either, but she's not really listening to anything but what the image staring back from the mirror is telling her. I hate that because she is such a beautiful person. She should be having fun and being young. She can't ride her bike. She can't walk to take pictures. She can't swim. She just can't be a kid.
So there you have it. The reason I haven't written is because I was being a big baby, and I probably still am, but I promise to try and write more so you guys don't worry.
Love ya!
I am no therapist, but I think the reason I haven't been writing is because I've just been too sad. It's not like I'm sitting around crying and being miserable. No, it's not that at all. I've had a lot of fun moments this summer that I wanted to share with you...really I did, but when I'd sit down to write about them it was such an effort t0 be cheerful and happy sounding. I want this blog to be fun and happy, not sad and depressing. The weird thing is that I have absolutely nothing new to be sad about. Just the same two things as before.
Of course one is Shanna. It's been 170 days since she died. I should be better, but I'm not. Actually I am worse than I was right after she died. Why? I don't know!! I think maybe right after she died I just didn't let myself think about her and how much I missed her. I thought about sweet Tre and how worried I was about him. I thought about my mom and dad and how much I worried about them. I thought about John and Shanna's friends and my girls (who still dream about her many nights) and everything else I could think of BUT her. I wouldn't let myself listen to the songs from her funeral or look at her pictures or go to the cemetery. I just didn't want to deal with all that pain. It really hurts so why would I??
I don't know what changed, but now I can't stop thinking about her. Now I am the one dreaming about her and I never used to remember my dreams. Everything reminds me of her and sometimes I even think I see her. Once I slammed on my brakes because I thought I saw her in my rear view mirror and was about to back into her (I can't believe I just admitted that...I didn't even tell my family). Weird stuff like that. So my non-therapist mind has decided that I went too long without dealing with things and now, being the pain she always was, she's just decided to force me to think about her until I do deal with things. She always was stubborn. No really, probably something about all the down time in the summer makes it harder for me to hide from my thoughts and feelings.
The other issue, as you already know, is Lauren. I had such high hopes for getting her better this summer. Such high, high hopes! I have failed miserably at that. If anything she is worse. She is on a 1200 calorie diet (have you ever tried to starve a 13 year old? It ain't fun!) and is still gaining weight. Granted we took a break from that at camp, but still her original purple stretch marks (hallmark symptom of Cushing's Disease) are multiplying at a frightening rate. I fear at any moment she'll turn into a purple version of an Umpaloompa!
We are still testing and I know eventually we'll get to a point to where she can have surgery, but it's obviously not going to be this summer. I am so sad about that and mostly I am sad because she is. She doesn't feel good and she doesn't like how she looks. She can't fit into any clothes that I buy her. She is just too big around (also classic symptom of Cushings). Her face looks all swollen and she is just flat out depressed about it. I can't remember the last time she was with a friend. It was way, way before school was out. I don't really think she has a friend. Nobody calls or texts or contacts her and it hurts her feelings. She just thinks nobody wants to be with a fat, sick person. I try to point out that she doesn't contact them either, but she's not really listening to anything but what the image staring back from the mirror is telling her. I hate that because she is such a beautiful person. She should be having fun and being young. She can't ride her bike. She can't walk to take pictures. She can't swim. She just can't be a kid.
So there you have it. The reason I haven't written is because I was being a big baby, and I probably still am, but I promise to try and write more so you guys don't worry.
Love ya!
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